"I Once Caught A Fish THIS BIG..."

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Polly Wants A Cracker...

There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?"

Trích đoạn: broom

[sm=18.gif][sm=18.gif][sm=18.gif]
i like your stories!!

Hi Broom,

Thanks for reading.

SB

Hot Diggity Dog...

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Don't Try This At Home...

A formula for inner peace...please read completely:

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. On the show, Dr. Phil proclaimed:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kailua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

A guy in St. Louis was driving to work on Highway 144 when he heard a 'pop'. He thought it sounded like a flat tire, though his ride wasn't affected.

After pulling over, checking the tires and finding them intact he opened the hood to look at the motor. Before the hood was even all the way open he jumped back in shock and knocked his head on the partially opened hood, unable to believe what his eyes were seeing!

Nobody was going to believe this....you sure wouldn't have either! Fortunately, a coworker with a camera recognized him along side the road and stopped to see if he could help. Check out the picture below to witness for yourself the source of his amazement.



Now, this has to be right up there at the top of the list of unusual, but verified, "Reasons I Was Late for Work!"

The CIA Admissions Test...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists--two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and calmly said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

The Best of Late Night...

"The Miss Universe Pageant was last night. Miss France was ejected after head butting another contestant."




"Have you seen this kid from Orange County that became a terrorist? You can tell he's from Orange County because instead of infidel he says, "infi-dudes."




"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is over $100,000 in debt. This means there will be a "Terminator 4."




"A new article in "Newsweek" is out talking about what it's like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend that's an atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don't know why."




"The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent."




"As I'm sure you've heard by now, the airlines are saying no more hair gels, shampoo, makeup or hair sprays will be allowed in your carry-on bag. Who's attacking us? Drag queens?"

Three Pints of Guiness...


An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."

"...I've quit drinking!"

A Really Bad Day...

There's a guy at a bar staring at his drink.

He sits and stares like this for half an hour.

Suddenly, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and slugs it all down. The poor man starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just joking," says the truck driver. "Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that," the man replies. "This day is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep and I get in late to work. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to drive home, I find out my car is stolen! The police say that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I exit the cab, I leave my wallet and credit cards there and the cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar."

"And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A Tom Sawyer Moment...

Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked one question

"When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last man replies:

"I would like to hear them say: 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"

Legally Blonde...

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

One Special Pig...

A man goes to visit an old friend who lives in the country. Upon arriving he sees a pig walking around with only three legs. This odd sight peaked his curiosity, of course, so after catching up on old times he asks his friend about the pig:

"I noticed a pig earlier that only had three legs, butwhat happened to the poor animal," he asks.

"Let me tell you a story," starts his friend. "Last fall when I was plowing the South Field I accidently got the plow caught up in some brush, couldn't break it loose so I crawled under it to cut away the vines. Just then the damn thing fell on me, pinned me to the ground. I'd still be there if it weren't for that pig, he come running out there and started digging and rootin' till he could pull me outa there, saved my life I tellya."

"Well that is an amazing story but I must've missed something because I still don't understand how he lost his leg," the man replied.

His farmer friend went on: "Why just this past spring I went out to feed the chickens one night and slipped on something and fell right on my butt. My lantern went flying and set the whole damn place on fire. I was chokin' and lost in the smoke and just knew I was gonna die when I heard that pig squealin' and rammin' till he knocked the door down and dragged me out, saved my life I tellya!"

His friend thought for a moment and said, "Well that's an interesting story but it still doesn't explain what happened to his leg."

The farmer continued. "Well, just this last week, all the sheep over there got into a frenzy due to some noise or something and started running towards the house at breakneck speed. They trampled over the fences, over the bushes and were just about to run over the children when all of a sudden, this here pig was able to intercept the entire herd and get the sheep to turn around...just like in that movie! Saved my children's lives, I tellya!"

His friend, impatient and confused at this point, exclaims, "That still doesn't explain what happened to the pig's leg!"

The farmer stares at him dumbfounded and explains:

"Look. When you got a pig like that, you just can't eat him all at once!"

Otto, The Amazing Octopus...

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus:

"Hello, everybody! This is Otto, the Amazing Octopus. He can play any instrument in the world!"

Everyone in the crowd laughs at him, of course, so he offers a wager of$50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus.

The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin it up. So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumped. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrongi. So the man pays his $50.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha," the man exclaims, "you can't you play it!"

Otto, the octopus looks up at the man and replies:

"Play it? I'm going to ask it on a date as soon as I'm done with this dance!"

(octopus and bagpipes... A perfect match! -SB-)

Like a Surgeon...Hey!

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says:
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds:
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says:
"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the [rear end] are interchangeable."

Make A Run For The Border...

A suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

"What's in here?" he asked.

"Dirt," the driver replied. "Take them out," the guard instructed, "I want to check them."

Obliging, the man removed the bags, and, there was nothing but dirt.

Reluctantly, the guard let him go. A week later the man came back, and, once again, the sentry looked in the trunk. "What's in the bags this time?" he asked. "More dirt," said the man. Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.

The same thing happened every day for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender.

Then, one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favour: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."

Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."

Taxicab Confessions...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble...

Twas the Night Before...

Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me-we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.

The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.

Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"

So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.

In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.
Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:

There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried kosher beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and "shrimp" chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....

When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.

Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.

So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.

We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Even if it was kosher, it was still Chinese food!."
And my girlfriend-well ... she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."

Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).

The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
"Good Yom Tov to all-and to all a Good Night!"

Questions on the Universe and the Meaning of Life...

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

What is Butt Dust?

What, you ask, is "Butt Dust"? Read on and you'll discover the joy in a child's sincere originality. No adult is this creative!!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON(age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" 
...

In  a  particular Sunday sermon ... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"[/align]

The Best of Late Night...

"The New York Times says that more women are now living without a husband. The worst part about women living alone is that they no longer have anyone at home to not listen to them."
-Jay Leno

"A new international survey has found that American believe in evolution less than any other industrialized nation. When asked why Americans pointed to Kevin Federline."
-Conan O'Brien

"Fidel Castro, the Cuban President who has been hospitalized since July, has been the subject of several conflicting medical reports regarding his physical condition. ... CNN reported the reason Castro's health has taken such a downturn was his decision to have a very risky operation to have doctors implant him with -- and this is true -- an artificial anus. ... They've upgraded his condition from 'grave' to 'serious but hilarious'"
-Jon Stewart

"People who watched the speech said President Bush looked uncomfortable. And I was thinking, of course -- he was in a library surrounded by books."
-David Letterman

"A lot of Democrats and Republicans are coming out against Bush's plan for Iraq. It's nice to see Democrats and Republicans on the same page, especially when it's not a congressional page."
-Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is recovering from a broken leg. ... In a new interview, Schwarzenegger said he's only taking a little bit of pain medication for his broken leg because the medication garbles his speech. Apparently, Schwarzenegger broke his leg in 1974."
-Conan O'Brien

"David Beckham is coming to the United States. People say he could make a huge impact on the way Americans ignore soccer."
-Jay Leno

"President Bush is going to be talking about global warming in his State of the Union address. He's unveiling his new plan. I believe it's called 'No Ice Cap Left Behind.'"
-David Letterman

Few Reasons not to mess with children.



1. 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".


2.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


3.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



4.

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



5.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."



6.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. »